She started crying again, knowing that she had wounded me deeply with those shards of truth. Standing there with my arms hanging uselessly at my sides, my mind was a whirlwind of scattered spirits; a complete void. Nothing seemed to function and I felt like a deflated balloon, lacking the will to move.

I couldn’t change how I felt about her, even if her words cut me like a searing hot knife through ice; sizzling and boiling what was left of my heart into vapor. Her continued sobs wracked me with a certain kind of guilt; by laying open my heart, I put this situation in motion. We were both hurting and there wasn’t much that could be done.

Closing my eyes, I shut down my own pain, at least temporarily and I pulled her to me. Wrapping my arms around her, like I had done dozens upon dozens of times before, I rocked her slowly. Back and forth, back and forth.

“Hey, shhhh, shhhh…it’s ok.” I tried calming her with light clucking sounds, as a father would do for his child.

For those long moments that I held her close to me, I wasn’t her boyfriend, but merely a friend and I could accept that. The pain was nothing I’d ever experienced before, but I could understand that you can’t make a person feel the same way as you feel about them.

“Everything will be alright.”

“Will it? Even after that…” she trailed off, while she sniffled loudly and cried into my shirt.

“Yeah, it will. Shhhh…I’ll be ok. Don’t cry. It’s not your fault. It just wasn’t meant to be like this.” I murmured, as I stroked her hair.

“My father always said that there is a time and place for everything. This just isn’t our time, that’s all. It’ll be ok. There’s nothing to worry about. We’ll still be friends. I can accept that, even if you aren’t with me. What matters most is your happiness.”

The sobbing died down and she backed up a little to take a look at my face. Gazing into my eyes, she tried to ferret out any hints of deception. I knew that she wouldn’t find anything there. The pain that was carved into my face was now hidden behind a thick veil of concern that even she could not penetrate. The facade wouldn’t last long, for I could feel the sadness, white-hot and piercing, coming back as I continued to relive the last few minutes.

“I’ve got to go grab my stuff. But I’ll be back, ok? Sit down and take a breather. I’ll go get our stuff.”

I had to get away before she saw the tears forming in my eyes. It wouldn’t do her any good to know how I physically felt. Having confessed and knowing that her heart belonged to another, it was almost too much to bear. I turned and bolted, trying to keep the physical signs from manifesting, giving me away.

Turning the corner, I collapsed against a sun-lit wall. Leaning back, I stared into the bright blue sky with thin wisps of clouds hanging overhead. Exhaling the lungful of oxygen that I held onto for so long, the tears finally spilled forth without a single sound from my parted lips.

Part: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22.

“Jess?” I called quietly.

Reaching out, I took her arm in my hand and slowly turned her around. What I saw was truly disheartening. Her lovely brown orbs were almost translucent with tears, as they welled up in her eyes. They had filled to the brim and threatened to spill down her now semi-rosy cheeks. Hugging herself in her arms, she looked at the ground, desperately trying to avoid my own curious eyes.

“What’s wrong? Hey, hey, why’re you starting to cry?” I questioned softly.

I didn’t know and I really had no idea what had happened at the time. Looking back upon that moment, I don’t think I would have been able to tell, even now with my age and experience. There was something wrong, but what was it? Did I cross a line? Did I say something that hurt her? I reflected on this, as I witnessed her tearing apart at the seams.

“What’s the matter?” I prodded.

“I’m so sorry!” she cried, bursting into tears.

“Hey, why the tears? There’s no reason to cry,” I tried to awkwardly reassure her.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” she sobbed faintly.

Bewilderment was stamped on my face. I didn’t know what to do. My first reaction when a girl cried was to comfort her, calm her down and console her. When the tears stopped falling, then the talking could begin. There was no way one could understand a person when they’re trying to talk through loud sobbing. It always came out a jumbled mess.

Sniffling, battling her emotional tears, she looked up at me and took a deep breath.

For an instant, I felt like a commander on a sinking vessel, doomed to go down into the murky depths at sea. Totally powerless to stop the inevitable, but being a stubborn person, I held on. That dead weight suddenly wrapped a thick iron chain around my heart and tugged. The hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach floated up to fill the space in my chest, where my heart once was, and I knew that this couldn’t be good.

“I’m so sorry. I care about you a lot. You’re kind, sweet and good to me. You make me laugh and you’re always there when I need someone to talk to. I don’t know how to tell you this, but I like someone else.” her voice cracking with confusion and despair.

A long moment passed as I didn’t breathe, watching the pins fall through the air and drop, scattering as they hit the floor. Air refused to move around inside my chest, and I didn’t pay much attention to it either. I was trapped, suspended in crystalline-blue water, with eyes wide open and burning from the chlorine; everything moving by in slow motion.

A part of me wanted to ask her “Who?” and another part of me wanted to scream in arching pain. The conflict within, left me numb and lifeless. Not knowing what to do left me unable to say a word, seeking, searching for some stable surface to stand on.

I simply stared, mouth slightly agape, halted in mid-breath.

Part: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22.