“What is it?” she asked me innocently.

Looking into her dark-brown eyes, set into a face that was framed by straight, glistening locks of black hair; I noticed the round, child-like cuteness had started to fade. In place of it was the slender frame that would later define her as a beautiful woman. As the moment passed, I almost forgot why I had chased her down the two flights of stairs and into the warm late-autumn setting sunshine.

Hesitating, I had an involuntary gut-check and wondered if this was the most prudent course of action. Inside, my stomach churned and my lungs quivered with each short intake of breath. The possibility of rejection was always there, but I never thought about it before. This topsy-turvy, gut-wrenching feeling was something totally alien to me. Up until this point I was virtually fearless; some might even say that I was reckless with purpose.

So this is what fear felt like.

Taking a deep breath, I focused and exhaled, quelling the nervousness I felt inside. I shook the last waves of fear from my muscles and with an increasingly rapid clip, I spoke.

“You asked me about who I liked and I’ve been avoiding the question and simply not answering because it’s a loaded question, especially coming from you.”

Looking up at me expectantly, a small smirk played across her lips. She stayed quiet while I found my words.

“So I do like someone. She’s really cute, thoughtful, fun and sweet. She makes me laugh out loud and that’s not easy to do. There is something about her that makes my heart skip a beat, but yet calms me at the same time. I’d tell her, but sometimes it’s hard to tell what she’s thinking or feeling. I’m going to hate myself, if I don’t say it cause I’ll always wonder, but I know that I should just tell her.”

Putting her hand on my arm, she looked straight at me and said,”You should tell her. You’re funny, a really nice guy and you’re cute too. So who is it?”

“Jess, that girl is you.”

Stunned silence filled the air as the very last words left my dry mouth. Our eyes locked and it felt as if I went deaf. The world stopped spinning and the rushing sound of cars became a dull roar. Before my short monologue, I didn’t know if she already knew, but her expression told me all that I needed to know. This was a surprise that she wasn’t expecting.

She finally tore her eyes away from mine. Turning away from me, she hugged herself and sighed.

Part: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22.

“Wha?!” I almost yelled, jumping into the air as her sudden appearance startled me. Totally lost in thought, I didn’t notice that she had come back and had found me perusing the shelves of books.

“Oh hey, yeah, I was looking around for a book.” I tried to play it off by pulling a book off the shelf and thumbing through it. But she could tell that her untimely appearance unnerved me.

“So what were you thinking about?” she inquired.

“Oh nothing…just some thoughts about, you know, things.” I was trying to stall for time as my mind raced for an excuse, but I was simply trying to pull myself together. The tension was overwhelming and I feared that I would explode any minute now, pouring my heart through the obviously gaping hole in my demeanor.

“That was real clear,” as she rolled her eyes at me. She turned and walked away, much to my relief.

We went to sit down and started gossiping, instead of doing our homework. We talked about who liked who and who was going out with who and who looked good. Jess did most of the talking, with a few sound-bites coming from me now and again. I was totally enthralled about the various tidbits of “news” spilling forth from her glossy lips. I never knew I could be so shallow.

“So… who do you like?” Her simple inquiry set me back on my heels.

“What do you mean, ‘who do I like?’”

“You know exactly what I mean,” she pressed.

“Oh, like a girl,” I offered,”…no one really. You remember Soo-Min, right? I liked her a lot and we were together for a while…” I trailed off and tried to guage her reaction to what I had said and how much she actually knew about what had happened between Soo-Min and I the year before. Did I cover up all the jumpy mistakes I made up until this point?

“I remember her. She’s so cute! Do you two still keep in touch?”

“Yeah, we do talk now and again, and she writes me too. I write her back, but we’re just friends now.”

“So you don’t currently like anyone? You sure about that? Sometimes I look into your face and I know that look. That far off daydreaming look, as if you’re thinking about someone.”

“Nah, I just look like that cause I’m always lost and I don’t understand what the teacher is saying,” I lamented.

“You’re lying. You’re one of the smartest guys in school. You’re never lost,” she flatly stated. “Come on, who is it? I know you like someone, just tell me,” she pleaded.

This miniature tug-o-war lasted for a good 15 mins, neither side letting go of the rope. Although we were both getting tired as the clock ticked away, I wasn’t about to cave and she was too curious to let it go. She knew there was something hidden away inside of me, but out of everyone in school, I was the most tight-lipped and held the most secrets and that she knew.

“I’m going outside. When you feel like telling me, I’ll be at the phone,” she huffed. She got up out of her seat and started to walk toward the stairs.

She wasn’t mad at me, but frustrated since I wasn’t one to give up information so easily. I sighed to myself and took a drink from my water bottle. “Here goes nothing,” I thought. I descended the stairs in a hurry and saw her walk out the front door of the library. Running outside after her, I grabbed her arm and turned her around.

“Hey Jess, I’ve got something to tell you…”

Part: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22.

Walking to the library didn’t take long. Along the way, we stopped by a mom ‘n pop burger joint to pick up some food to go. While we walked, I ravaged my food like a starving animal; shoving food into my face as fast as I could chew, sometimes not even bothering to breathe between bites. While I inhaled my burgers faster than a vacuum cleaner, she looked on with amusement as she daintily munched on fries and sipped on her milkshake.

“One of these days you’re going to choke and die, if you keep eating that fast,” she scolded.

“What is with you and food? In fact, what is with boys and eating like animals anyway?” she questioned, words floating into the air.

“Aiih mmmph uhhmph uhumph irrump,” I managed to say.

Shaking her head, she just walked and watched as I was able to keep my pace, pay attention to where I was walking and eat all at the same time. I didn’t even drop any of the food, making sure that every single tiny morsel made its way into the cast-iron kettle that was my stomach.

“See? Not dead,” I announced, in my perfect english.

Under her breath I heard her mutter something to herself. It was probably something along the lines of how frustrating boys could be. At least I didn’t choke and prove her right. Now that would have been a shot to the ego.

We arrived at the back entrance of the library, after cutting through the park and made our way upstairs. Setting our things down, she headed off to the bathroom and left me alone in my thoughts. Wandering around the exceptionally quiet library, I wound my way through the rows of knowledge and the stories buried within. Tilting my head, I read the book spines, trying to occupy my mind so my nervousness wouldn’t take flight. Was this the right time to tell her what I thought and how I felt? Would I have the chance to sit there and see if our friendship would blossom into something more? Or would this be the day where I go down in flames cause I’m the biggest sucker alive?

The nervousness had crept into my body like a rodent burrowing into the dark recess of my mind, planting seeds of doubt and suspicion wherever it went. These seeds germinated and grew as the minutes ticked by. My mind was blank, yet I had these nagging thoughts knocking at the doors of my heart, making me jittery and uncomfortable.

“There you are,” she called out.

Part: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22.

Heading toward the lockers, the team left a swath of wet concrete behind as we plodded, exhausted, inside to change. I entered the darkened locker roon with caution, gingerly putting one foot in front of the other, so I wouldn’t accidentally slip on the slick tiles and crack my skull open. Blood and brains all over the locker room floor was not my recipe for a good time. I had already had enough that day. My head wasn’t playing Christmas songs any longer and I could still see straight, so I guessed that I would be ok.

Stepping underneath the shower head, I felt the scalding hot water rain down from above, pushing the chill from my body like a nice shot of whiskey. I leaned forward, placing my hands against the cool tiles and let the water hit my traps and shoulders, tracing patterns down my back in little rivulets, massaging my aching muscles and ridding me of the stink of chlorine. Tilting my face up, I let the water cascade down, drumming against my aching body and felt the tension slowly ease out, flowing into the drain. Turning around, I let the water roll down my head, washing away the pain and watched as the little streams slid along the lines etched into my stomach, then I noticed others waiting to use the shower I was under.

Shrugging my shoulders one last time to get rid of any lingering stiffness, I stepped out from under the shower head to leave. “Alright, I’m done, assholes! Next!” I yelled.

I got changed and left the building, to see Jess still waiting there for me. Brightening up at the sight of her face, I slowly strolled over to her since my head still didn’t feel so stable and my legs did ache a bit. Time to head to the library, where I would probably find a nook to sleep in, rather than study, unless she was able to entertain me and keep me awake.

“Let’s go before I pass out on the pool deck from exhaustion and starvation.”

“Oh, you’re hungry? Never mind, stupid question, you’re always hungry,” she said laughing, “we can stop by somewhere to pick something up, since you’re hungry. I’m getting a bit hungry too.”

“Yeah, especially after practice. I could probably eat a whole cow right about now,” I said with a grin.

Putting a towel over my head to shield myself from the rays of the setting sun, I hitched my backpack onto my shoulders, grabbed one her bags and started to walk away. Jess grabbed her remaining bag and hurried to catch up with me. Looking over at her as she tried to keep pace with me, I shortened my strides so she wouldn’t get overwhelmed. As we walked, she chattered and talked about an array of things. Hiding underneath my makeshift cowl, I smiled as I listened to her babble merrily along.

“Hey, are you listening to me?” she asked, as she grabbed onto my arm.

“Uh, yeah, of course. How could I not? You’re loud,” I teased.

She scowled at me for a moment, as I smiled in amusement. Looking away with her nose in the air she declared, “Fine, I won’t talk anymore.” She became silent and I could live with that. She wasn’t mad at me, that I knew. We had been friends for quite some time now and this was all a facade that she put on just for giggles. Vanishing back under my towel, I shook my head because I knew that within minutes, she’d be talking away again.

She looked upset and seemed mad at me.

But, she never let my arm go.

Part: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22.