Uncertain Certainties
As the school year went on, there would be times where I’d get the occasional pang of guilt. The kind of guilt that would invade my stomach, sending clouds of darkness that would mar my mind’s eye. I’m not sure why, but I felt guilty for talking, socializing and unconsciously flirting with the many different girls that seemed to step into my life. I didn’t plan it that way, it just seemed like those were how the various pieces of my life fit together.
There was nothing wrong with what I was doing, but somehow it felt uncomfortable to me. We (Soo-Min and I) weren’t together anymore and had accepted the fact that a relationship might not be possible, but I still felt the dull aches that would leave me in a melancholic state of mind. To me, it was a betrayal of sorts since I still cared so much for her, yet I felt a strange attraction to all these other cute captivating creatures.
Those bouts of guilt had me keeping mostly to myself; occasionally hanging out with friends, while I tried to sort out the turmoil that raged inside of me. There was nothing inherently wrong with the way I felt, but I just had to be sure. To keep myself busy and out of trouble, I spent many hours on my sports’ (soccer, swimming, waterpolo) training, video games and singing.
Yes, you read correctly, singing. You see, I was a choir boy. Not a choir boy for the church, but for a nationally recognized middle school choir. Being a fairly strong tenor/baritone had one big advantage beside going to the annual national convention. It presented me with various pseudo-famous opportunities to perform and be recognized, which also became a challenge because the girls noticed it.
I was totally oblivious of the apparent attention I received because I’m pretty blind. Literally and figuratively. Some might say that in this sense, I’m as dense as a person can get. I’m one of those guys who can not seem to grasp when a girl might have interest, even though she could be dropping hints and making passes, short of grabbing me and planting her lips right on mine.
Although I didn’t notice a single thing, my friends did. From girls and guys alike, I would get fed all sorts of gossip. Half the time I didn’t believe what I heard, since I hadn’t seen or heard it myself. They would tell me that certain girls were giving me furtive glances, with the occasional longing stare mixed in. I always questioned these “reports” since I’ve never spoken with most of these girls before in my life.
Out of the many names that went in one ear and out the other, one of them stopped me in my tracks. I wasn’t sure of the validity of my buddy’s claim, but it wouldn’t hurt to find out.
From the many names that filtered through my porous skull, there was this one particular girl that piqued my interest.
Part: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22.
